Peringatan : ditulis dalam broken English


So, I finished reading almost all of this blog until the very first post. And I feels like I ride a time machine to my high school life, which is 8 years ago. And now I feel extremely melancholic.

That was amazing experienced. I never binge reading this silly blog before, and I'm glad I did. The first post was posted on June 2010. I remember I created this blog because my friends, the "Berenam" are create a blog as a personal journal. And yes, I join the party. I'm amazed that I manage to post a lot of writing. Yes, 90% of it contain only my rant about my suck-high school-life, and some of life questions from a teenager point of view.

It's amazing to read something that I wrote years ago. I mean, it was written by me, but not me right now. The younger version of myself. And when I read it back, at some post I remember clearly how I feel when I posted that, and I have blurry memories for the rest. So it's like I read something that written by someone else who's deeply connected with me, with similar mind but slightly different.

From my spiritual time machine journey, I could draw a conclusion that everything changes but stay the same at the same time. I look at my younger self from all the post in here that I used to be angsty teenager who's angry at the world. I get angry easily and have the urge to expressed my emotions right away. Someone makes me angry, I would write it down. Someone makes me sad, I would write it down. I expressed myself freely. And now I can't even do that. I think everything because my emotions growing to be more complicated things. Angry becomes not just as simple as "angry". Sad is not just "sad". Without write down my emotions, I could analyze it and find the answer by myself. Like, why am I angry? What makes me angry? Why I have to be angry. The self reflection become more complicated than just to vent my feelings. And now I could find the answer without need to write down everything. I know why I'm sad. I know why I feel angry.

And yes, after read everything over again, now I know and figure out a lot of things that I questioned when I was younger. Yes it's really cringey at some points but hey let's face it. That's how teenagers life. I questioned a lot about sexual thing, like I was experimented with condom before because I really clueless about what that is- like-eww (okay this experiment happened when I was in middle school, and I rewrite about that in here two years after that.). I talk  sometimes about women and virginity because at that time I met people who take too much time to intervene other people's sexual life, and sadly 8 years later nothing changes and those kind of peoples still exist. And I'm glad I still on this side until now.I'm not change into a heartless and mindless person who takes time to critic other people's way of copulating. Please, why can't people criticize those rubbish tv shows instead of other people's life?

I questioned about my friends, my family, and now I get the answer. Everything changes and I was so naive. People come and go in our life, and it's inevitable. I get the answer that be separated from our closest friends is not always  because we hate each other. It's just happens. Because you have different schedule, different life, different job. And mostly because our mind growing differently. And there's nothing wrong with it. It's life, and even it hurts to admit, but that's life and we are alone in this life. Even though you have husband or family or anyone, in the end you are on your own. My father, technically he's my family, my parents, my father but he's dead and leaving our tiny family. Having a family doesn't mean you have the same path with them. you just walk in this life together, but you have different jogging track.

I questioned about life, and I still haven't figure it out until now. About where my 'jogging track' would lead me? What would happend? What am I doing with my life? I still haven't figure it out in these past 8 years. I still stuck with the same gloomy loneliness feeling. Depressed and unmotivated human being. And it getting worse, I have to say that.

The thing is I realized that I'm getting bitter. I'm become more pessimistic in life. I read earlier that I used to hope for the best from everything at least. But now I don't even hope. I just walk and walk and walk without knowing what would happend next. I'm clueless. Oh well.