So, it's 3:53 AM , and I feel extremely excited and happy, and I need to write this. Damn, I  read too much in English so really, the voice in my head is in English and I want to write it down in English but then I know my grammatical skills are so poor and I really hate if some grammar nazi correcting me in the future. But if I write it on Bahasa  it will sound so silly, or the voice in my head will vanish if I start to write with my mother tongue

Ok, here we go my babbling.  Who cares my grammar.

So, I've been down lately, stuck in a grey world and losing hope in my reality. I've been thinking too much. just say I don't enjoy my life lately, and I don't know what to makes me keep going.
And just that, just these past 24 hours I feel happy. Because? Because I just start to watch Sherlock Holmes series, which is there's Benedict Cumberbatch whom I fangirl over for weeks. And the series are unexpectedly good. And boom! I just feel happy.

So basically, I've been down lately just because I haven't found some good books or movies or new music to entertain me and save me from my reality. Well, I've always been an overthinker from the start. I never really enjoy my life. I just keep moving on and not thinking about what I should think, and I just brush off some important-things-to-think-in-this-life such as money, how to graduate, how to get a job, how to make money, how to be a good daughter, etc. No, I know. I'm a sloth, a crazy lazy cat lady who doesn't like to think about that important things. Because what? Because I'm aware Iam a super overthinker and have some anxiety and If I think about that stuff, it will lead me to a negative thinking and doesn't get me anywhere. Exactly like what I have been done these past 6 months. I hate my life, become a sensitive bastard, angry and grumpy more than ever. Because I think too much about that. about money. about life. worrying about life. About future. I even craving for a boyfriend. Damn, yes, I've been craving for a men who will  comforting me and help me out of this life while actually I just need a good book. Shame on me.

It all started since I grow up to be a picky reader. I really miss my younger days where I can be enternained and satisfied just by some cheap romance novel between  a girl in highschool with her senior. Or just some Tom & Jerry cartoon with no philosophy whatsoever. Right, I just realized that since a kid I always have something to watch or something to read. Powerpuff Girls, Tom & Jerry, Doraemon, Naruto, Power Rangers, Kamen Rider, all of them  help me from worrying about the reality that I live in. And now I've been growing up and become picky. I remember when I was in elementary school I just pick random comic to buy and read it. And now I can spend 2 hours in a bookstore just to check every synopsis behind a novel and get nothing. Iam more and more less entertained and become a boring adult who think about adult stuff. Oh my God what a nightmare isn't it?

Lately I haven't find a good Japanese drama to watch. Yeah I need something longer to keep me sane in my daily life. sound addictive. But it's true. If I watch movies, the sparks in my heart will only last at least one or two days. After that the gloom will back and i don't have much movies to watch. Especially because I lack of good internet connection. So that's why I've been so gloomy and gurmpy.

And then I become a a disgusting adult. You know what I mean, an adult who is trying to fake themself for the sake of make other people impressed. Because I can't find good comic or movies or Jdrama, I try to read what everyone's read. Around me in the campus there's a lot of people who like classic literature. Fyodor Dostoevsky, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Leo Tolstoy, Hemingway, Virginia Woolf, etc. Or some modern literature like Haruki Murakami, George Orwell, Paulo Coelho, Dan Brown, or else.
And then I try to read The Old Man and The Sea by Hemingway, and try some other ''hard-book''. In the end I cannot finished it. I can't even finished The Hunchback of Notredame. Oh yeah, that Quasimodo. I just buy that book because purely I want to impressed someone. I even take the picture and post it on my instagram, just to anticipate if he take a look at my page so I can show off "see, I read a good high quality books just like you", I even read it in pdf on my phone so I can read it on the train so people who standing next to me could see and amazed that I read an excellent books and denying that I am a mediocre geek who really enjoy a simple fiction story and don't have the intelligence to keep up with classic masterpiece.
But in the end I didn't finish anything from that classic literature. I don't even fall in love with paulo Coelho. I still fall in love with Mitch Albom and don't have money to buy his new books.

And then I realized I just trying too hard to impress other people. I always proudly say that I'm not dress up, wearing no make up, or buy expensive things to impress other people. That's why I always look messy and plain. I don't have any intention to make other people impressed by the way I look. I always think that it will makes you feel tired. Wearing things just because you want to impress other. But in the end I do it. I secretly trying to make other people impressed with my brain. I try to reads and watch what they're read and watch and secretly hoping someday they will be amazed because I read what they read and then I can fit in. And yes, it makes me totally exhausted and unhappy.

In the end I need to accept that I am just an average geek, with brain capacity that enjoy Naruto for years and some Japanese drama with weird plot or characters, or Marvel superheroes with their fandom. Maybe someday I'll catch up that classic masterpiece, but not right now. Right now, like I used to, I need an entertaining books, movies, music, just to help me from my reality. Not because I try to impress other people.

this is who Iam. Fangirling over pretty boys at some comics and movies. Obsessed about some characters and drown in their fanfiction on the other side of the internet world. Crying over some dramatical scenes. Just like that. I'm not an intelligent geek, like some peoples that I admire. I'm not one of them. Maybe because my weird taste I can't fit in with them. I really worried about this. But then who cares. I read and watch for my own pleasure. For my own sake of escaping the reality. It's always like that since I was a kid. So why bother to impress other people just to fit in? I never fit in at any places from the start.

So yeah. Here I am. Restrain myself from finishing Sherlock Holmes at one day because I need to savour it for a mood booster for maybe three days. and then fangirling over Benedict Cumberbatch because I just watch Dr.Strange last week. Or trying to search good Iron Man fan fiction. or waiting for new chapters from my favorite yaoi manga. it's not my time yet to read all that high quality classic masterpiece. My brain can't handle that yet. It's fine for me. I just need a story to escape from my real story.

xxx